I often keep writing articles in my mind from the most unthinkable places or in midst of bizarre situations! It is very late night and I am staring at my computer screen. The window behind the computer brings alive patch of dark sky with a twinkling star or two occasionally. It is a pleasant surprise to feel the cool breeze on my tired body.
On this yet another sleepless night, I am trying to attend some work and click on "Scheduled work for February" file. The calendar shows half of February is gone and there is still backlog of "work to do". I can't help wondering how I am going to complete all those tasks on time with my uncooperative body rung out of energy. While my frayed nerves and withered spirit constantly struggle to have a compatible, synchronized rhythm with my mind, there is a quiet riot in my heart. It is one of those typical frustratingly exhaustive moments that invariably always bring tears.
As I write this, there is complete quiet here. Not the joyful, serenely comforting silence of my beautiful home but the suffocating silence and it is unsettling. There are some private spaces of memories that emerge unannounced and are unwilling to leave creating riot that makes me more fragile. The stillness of the nights comfortably slips into rhythm of the house while on many a nights, I keep tossing endlessly to get some sleep, in vain. On some nights, past few cups of green tea or coffee, I look outside the window listening to creaks and sighs that break the silence. A scratchy sound of the plane flying high or dogs from far across the street, trying to settle their scores with barks and snarls, appear to be only a temporary distraction.
Things have been different around the house off lately ever since my mother in law's health reports are showing signs of her Cancer relapsing after two surgeries and a heart attack in last two years. And all that such reports entail is emotionally numbing experience. There is tremendous pressure due to increasing demands and expectations from my personal and professional life.
There comes a point in course of attending patient of life threatening disease like Cancer, when primary care taker reaches a point of brink. And I think, I have reached mine a long time back. But where does one build a place inside oneself to endure that ache? What does one do when life becomes too much to bear and only the sound of one's own breaths echo through the void?
I remember my friend's words during our conversation over phone this morning. She had called to invite me for a soiree and when I declined the invitation stating my busy schedule and how tired I am, she casually asked, "Oh come on, you are having so much fun all the time. Can't you spare an evening for us friends?" She is obviously referring to my Facebook page where I keep posting pictures of interesting Art events I go to. I wish people understood Facebook is a very, very tiny part of my life and that there is so much that happens in my life that doesn't necessarily gets posted on my page because I choose not to. I wish she understands what all painstaking efforts I have to take to spare a few hours off my crazy schedule for myself, without feeling guilty!
I wish I could explain her attending the exhibitions and Art events is not only about my passions but also a part of coping mechanism and finding balance while being compelled to helplessly witness Cancer slowly sucking life out of my mother in law. I wish words could express what an eye opener it is to witness that constant struggle! I wish I could tell my friend how each morning it is a battle for me when I decide to win by torture I inflict upon my body, ignoring warning signs of pains and aches of fatigue that emerge from every single cell of my body, threatening to revolt from time to time. But these things don't really matter on a platform like Facebook where mostly people assume things and judge you based on what is being shared.
I look outside the window and see the night sky has seamlessly given way to the light from dawn without much ado. Those twinkling stars now adorn a different fading light. I look at the calendar once again and start working on ‘Scheduled work for February’. As the night languidly glides into a lovely morning, I am tempted to catch a fleeting nap before the daylight drenches Bombay sky again. But there appears to be no respite as the show must go on!
Things have been different around the house off lately ever since my mother in law's health reports are showing signs of her Cancer relapsing after two surgeries and a heart attack in last two years. And all that such reports entail is emotionally numbing experience. There is tremendous pressure due to increasing demands and expectations from my personal and professional life.
There comes a point in course of attending patient of life threatening disease like Cancer, when primary care taker reaches a point of brink. And I think, I have reached mine a long time back. But where does one build a place inside oneself to endure that ache? What does one do when life becomes too much to bear and only the sound of one's own breaths echo through the void?
I remember my friend's words during our conversation over phone this morning. She had called to invite me for a soiree and when I declined the invitation stating my busy schedule and how tired I am, she casually asked, "Oh come on, you are having so much fun all the time. Can't you spare an evening for us friends?" She is obviously referring to my Facebook page where I keep posting pictures of interesting Art events I go to. I wish people understood Facebook is a very, very tiny part of my life and that there is so much that happens in my life that doesn't necessarily gets posted on my page because I choose not to. I wish she understands what all painstaking efforts I have to take to spare a few hours off my crazy schedule for myself, without feeling guilty!
I wish I could explain her attending the exhibitions and Art events is not only about my passions but also a part of coping mechanism and finding balance while being compelled to helplessly witness Cancer slowly sucking life out of my mother in law. I wish words could express what an eye opener it is to witness that constant struggle! I wish I could tell my friend how each morning it is a battle for me when I decide to win by torture I inflict upon my body, ignoring warning signs of pains and aches of fatigue that emerge from every single cell of my body, threatening to revolt from time to time. But these things don't really matter on a platform like Facebook where mostly people assume things and judge you based on what is being shared.
I look outside the window and see the night sky has seamlessly given way to the light from dawn without much ado. Those twinkling stars now adorn a different fading light. I look at the calendar once again and start working on ‘Scheduled work for February’. As the night languidly glides into a lovely morning, I am tempted to catch a fleeting nap before the daylight drenches Bombay sky again. But there appears to be no respite as the show must go on!
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