It has been more than a week of sleep deprived delirium for me; courtesy, splitting headache, severe cold, cough and flu. I tried every possible natural remedy to stave it off, all in vain! It is strange how I ended up behaving during these days.
Let me be honest. I have been quite a bitch off lately! From snapping at hubby, son and care takers of the house to being a complete crybaby, I have tried everyone's patience. Demanding a hot soup, head massages or just the company at wee hours (without iota of guilt) because I was not able to sleep. I must admit, I am immensely blessed to be loved and taken care of despite all the drama that I have created during these last few days. My usual, rational and loving personae that absolutely loves spoiling people whom I love and truly care for magically transformed into a very demanding person seeking all the attention and pampering from every possible source. Luckily, the loved ones knew it was a rare and temporary phase and indulged me without ever making it obvious what a tough time I was giving them.
I holed up into extra bedroom last week to save my hubby from incessant hacking. I tried aromatherapy immersions, mega dose of vitamins, art therapy and even explored realm of psychology to heal myself from inside out, exercising positive psychology. Strangely, when nothing helped I succumbed to frustration, anger, resentment and abnormally extreme bouts of self-pity and when that too didn't help, I surrendered to hubby's sane advice and dragged myself to see the doctor.
Fatigued beyond recognition and ready to try anything that could save me from my immunity compromised prison, I waited almost an hour for the doctor to call me. It was irritating. I sat there; most uncomfortably, coughing loud, rationality impaired, overcome by frustration. The bitch inside me had started drafting menacing and aggressive disdain for the physician who kept me waiting that long. A colourful and compelling sentence was scripted for the moment physician would call me in.
In reality, what happened when the doctor finally called me in his cabin was that I forgot everything I had planned to say and became dramatic (read melodramatic) the moment he gently said, "Oh look at you! You are so pale Simi. What happened to your smile?" "I am on verge of collapse doctor" I said, with moist eyes. Perhaps, entertained by description of my condition he said, "If you have not collapsed so far Simi, it means things are not so bad after all" with generous dose of sympathy and a smirk. I was astonished by his remark. Little mad at him, even. I mean, there I was, looking like hell, potentially suffering from life threatening maladies(!!!) that made me blither like lunatic and how dare he underestimate my pain?
Reading my mind, he gave me a sheepish smile and said, "Let's see what the problem is and fix it." What I later realized was that it was precisely what was required of him to do for me at that moment - to diffuse frustration and self-pity and all the self-imposed drama and focus on practical steps to improve my condition. With his unexpected comment that was most practical and gentle dose of humour, the entire experience got reprogrammed! Fortunately, in the process he also saved himself from earful of caustic remarks that were lethal combination of literary genius and verbal abuse! I left the hospital a little less agitated.
After returning home, the experience got me thinking about how small act of dropping the drama can help us focus more on finding solution and in the process helping one reduce the frustration and other issues related to it. I felt terribly guilty for all the pain I had caused to myself, my hubby, son and the caretakers in the house. I could have dealt with my condition little differently. Instead of giving in to irrational, negative thinking and wallowing in self-pity, I could have easily focussed more on getting better and appreciated what people around me were doing for me without making a ruckus. All I needed to do was be patient with loved ones and understand their concern beneath the words and actions and allow them to handle the situation without me trying to be control freak.
Last evening, I apologized to everybody for creating unnecessary tensions and acting dumb. "Not at all mama, you were quite a darling even in that bad condition" said my son. I know he is a bad liar. Incidences like these make us realize how much we are loved and yet how we sometimes, create unnecessary tensions that are easily avoidable. I know I acted like a kid and feel ashamed. Fortunately, there is no change in daily dose of hugs I receive from son and hubby. They love me enough to even tolerate my "drama queen" phase and that certainly makes me feel little better!
