Stop being a drama queen sweetheart !

It has been more than a week of sleep deprived delirium for me; courtesy, splitting headache, severe cold, cough and flu. I tried every possible natural remedy to stave it off, all in vain!  It is strange how I ended up behaving during these days.

Let me be honest. I have been quite a bitch off lately! From snapping at hubby, son and care takers of the house to being a complete crybaby, I have tried everyone's patience. Demanding a hot soup, head massages or just the company at wee hours (without iota of guilt) because I was not able to sleep. I must admit, I am immensely blessed to be loved and taken care of despite all the drama that I have created during these last few days. My usual, rational and loving  personae that absolutely loves spoiling people whom I love and truly care for magically transformed into a very demanding person seeking all the attention and pampering from every possible source. Luckily, the loved ones knew it was a rare and temporary phase and indulged me without ever making it obvious what a tough time I was giving them. 

I holed up into extra bedroom last week to save my hubby from incessant hacking. I tried aromatherapy immersions, mega dose of vitamins, art therapy and even explored realm of psychology to heal myself from inside out, exercising positive psychology. Strangely, when nothing helped I succumbed to frustration, anger, resentment and abnormally extreme bouts of self-pity and when that too didn't help, I surrendered to hubby's sane advice and dragged myself to see the doctor. 

Fatigued beyond recognition and ready to try anything that could save me from my immunity compromised prison, I waited almost an hour for the doctor to call me. It was irritating. I sat there; most uncomfortably, coughing loud, rationality impaired, overcome by frustration. The bitch inside me had started drafting menacing and aggressive disdain for the physician who kept me waiting that long. A colourful and compelling sentence was scripted for the moment physician would call me in. 

In reality, what happened when the doctor finally called me in his cabin was that I forgot everything I had planned to say and became dramatic (read melodramatic) the moment he gently said, "Oh look at you! You are so pale Simi. What happened to your smile?" "I am on verge of collapse doctor" I said, with moist eyes. Perhaps, entertained by description of my condition he said, "If you have not collapsed so far Simi, it means things are not so bad after all" with generous dose of sympathy and a smirk. I was astonished by his remark. Little mad at him, even. I mean, there I was, looking like hell, potentially suffering from life threatening maladies(!!!) that made me blither like lunatic and how dare he underestimate my pain? 

Reading my mind, he gave me a sheepish smile and said, "Let's see what  the problem is and fix it." What I later realized was that it was precisely what was required of him to do for me at that moment - to diffuse frustration and self-pity and all the self-imposed drama and focus on practical steps to improve my condition. With his unexpected comment that was most practical and gentle dose of humour, the entire experience got reprogrammed! Fortunately, in the process he also saved himself from earful of caustic remarks that were lethal combination of literary genius and verbal abuse! I left the hospital a little less agitated.

After returning home, the experience got me thinking about how small act of dropping the drama can help us focus more on finding solution and in the process helping one reduce the frustration and other issues related to it. I felt terribly guilty for all the pain I had caused to myself, my hubby, son and the caretakers in the house. I could have dealt with my condition little differently. Instead of giving in to irrational, negative thinking and wallowing in self-pity, I could have easily focussed more on getting better and appreciated what people around me were doing for me without making a ruckus. All I needed to do was be patient with loved ones and understand their concern beneath the words and actions and allow them to handle the situation without me trying to be control freak. 

Last evening, I apologized to everybody for creating unnecessary tensions and acting dumb. "Not at all mama, you were quite a darling even in that bad condition" said my son. I know he is a bad liar. Incidences like these make us realize how much we are loved and yet how we sometimes, create unnecessary tensions that are easily avoidable. I know I acted like a kid and feel ashamed. Fortunately, there is no change in daily dose of hugs I receive from son and hubby. They love me enough to even tolerate my "drama queen" phase and that certainly makes me feel little better!

The sling wars and media circus

Looking at the way things are going in Indian media since past few months, exposés, sting operations and scams incessantly keep embroiling the nation and seem to be the current flavour of Indian politics. A handful of people with their mindless rhetoric have mastered art of creating anarchy, getting media attention and stall governance issues. The media has reached such filth that it is difficult to believe that we are world's largest democracy. Considering the impudence and superficiality of mudslinging campaigns, the Indian media seems to have taken toll on independent, resourceful and honest journalism. The saddest part is that media is losing its credibility in its chase for "being first to present the news" as it is becoming instant views churning machines without taking pain of doing relevant homework.

Watch any news channel and it seems courts have shifted to media that is playing role of prosecutor, jury and judge; pronouncing judgments on 24/7 breaking news, setting a very dangerous precedent. The real amusement in this whole charade of "we are cleaning up the system by purging it of rot, notion" is that both media and people like Anna, Kejriwal and their clan don't realize that they have completely lost the plot. When the modus operandi of any protest is conducted and projected in a manner that shows complete disregard for constitution and judiciary and is not based on proper research, some very serious doubts are raised about the credibility of its very premise. I fail to understand, how real issues of systemic failure and lack of good governance get addressed by this circus. 

Every single day, we find senior journalists, seasoned politicians engaging in endless debates that get us nowhere! We all know that every politician covers up for personal muck of his breed. One probe after another dies down, one inquiry after another producing reports upon which barely any action is taken. What is the point of any debate if its outcome does not ensure any action? With media completely dependent on corporate sponsorship for its survival, isn't it unrealistic to expect unbiased news? 

The people of this country are tired of this tamasha of sling matches over press conferences. We don't want slogans. We are getting bored of ostentatious goodness. Connecting electric cables of defaulters or favouring a particular community for vote bank politics does not lead to any concrete action that offers better law and order facilities, infrastructure, stable economy, opportunities for education and employment, fast track courts or gender equality.  

While other institutes of democracy are eroding it is all the more important for media to come stronger as fourth estate. There are a few who are celebrating Indian media's revolution, claiming a victory over bridging the gap between the government and the governed, I remain circumspect. Instead of being a watchdog of democracy, Indian media is enslaved to Bollywood gossip, the ubiquity of sting operations and ravenous paparazzi. It has lost its moral compass and sadly poses question on sanity of our democracy. But does anyone really care? 

Show your care with little etiquettes please!

Day before yesterday, I paid visit to a hospital to see a relative who has undergone a major surgery recently. When I entered the room,  I was startled by what was going on there! There was a group of about six people busy in a heated discussion about how other hospital would have been a better option for the surgery. On the bed lay the patient; my hubby's cousin's wife, in deep pain. Hubby's cousin looked exhausted with all the conversations, formalities and phone calls that never stopped coming! 

When the doctor arrived for the routine check, the guests in the room bombarded him with lot of queries. And when he politely declined to answer most of the questions, they felt humiliated. Once, the doctor left, people started accusing him of being rude at top of their voice. The discussion then flowed from latest movies to fashion, to politics and even the good food items in the hospital canteen. Finally, those people left, but not before giving my sister in law repeated advice on "dos" and "don'ts" of post-operative care. When I got a few minutes alone with my sister in law and brother in law, he requested me to send messages to some of our relatives and convey some of their neighbours and friends  to refrain from calling him except for the visiting hours as he wished to be with his wife whole day, without being disturbed. He was in bad shape due to all the physical and emotional exertion and tired of discussing same details with every person that called or paid visit. I left the hospital bit saddened by what I had seen.

I don't like visiting hospitals as I have some painful memories of my mother associated with it. In last few years I have seen different perspectives of life at the hospital and I know how difficult it is for close family of the patient to deal with the emotional trauma and all that it entails. In India, visiting unwell people is utmost social obligation and people go out of their way to extend the support. Sadly, sometimes the good intentions fail to translate into behaviour that can be considered as supportive. We all need social support and there is no doubt we can ever survive without it but it is very crucial to know when and how it should be extended. I have realized there are few simple things which if observed can make a lot of difference to patient, his family and people wishing to reach out and support in such difficult times. 

1) If any of your family member is going to be hospitalized, please assign the job of answering all the phone calls to a close member of the family. That way, the main focus remains on the patient and friends, family and neighbours who wish to extend any help know about the status of the patient and can decide and distribute work as per need.

2) If you don't wish to have visitors, please convey the message well in advance. In India, people go out of their way to fulfill this utmost social obligation. Sometimes, in city like Mumbai, people travel long distances to see people admitted to hospital. Often, senior members are more concerned and insist on seeing the patient despite their own health issues. Talk to them in advance and plan a day for their visit after the patient is discharged and is in little better condition.

3) If you are visiting anyone at hospital, please inform the concerned people and remember that the purpose of the visit is to show your care. Nobody is interested in knowing about your latest acquisition, stock price or your own health issues. Check if there is anything that needs to be done for the patient. Do it if it is possible for you. There are no brownie points to be won or lost in it.

4) Wearing loud fragrances is a strict NO. Hospitals are places where one has to be extremely careful about such things. Many people are allergic to certain fragrances and it can create some serious issues for certain patients.

5) Hospitals are not places to party. Keep your conversations relevant and your visit brief. 

6) Ideally, when you visit hospitals, your mobile should be on silent mode. Talking on mobile loudly and making whole world listen to your conversation should be avoided.

7) Doctors visiting patients are NOT obliged to answer all the questions from the visitors, even if your patient is admitted to VVIP room. Doctors have many other patients who need monitoring from them.

8) If you have to admit member of a family in emergency, please allow the hospital staff to decide the priority of your emergency case. Don't create a scene if your patient is not attended for some time. Doctors are trained to deal with medical emergencies hence have faith in them.    

9) Reaching out need not always mean visiting unwell people in hospital. Sometimes, once the patient is discharged, there are many things that need to be done for the patient at home. Check if you can play any role in it.

10) Your visit at hospital should leave a smile on patient's face and the patient and his family should feel good about your visit. Try to spread a smile or two and stay away from any form of negativity.

   

Gosh! I feel like a creep

An artist drawing a sketch of a woman fast asleep on railway platform

It all happened in barely a minute! The arrival of Baroda express was announced and I was huddling towards my compartment at Vadodara railway station. I noticed a crowd gathered at one place creating quite a commotion on the platform and it was difficult to walk past it with the luggage. While trying to find my way through the crowd, I witnessed something interesting. An artist was drawing a sketch of a visibly old and sick woman, fast asleep on the platform. People were admiring his work while the helpless woman remained asleep, blissfully ignorant about the stir around her.

"That's an interesting story unfolding there" I wondered. My focus in those few seconds was to capture the moment and discover its story. I somehow managed to click two shots amidst the bulging crowd. People were keenly watching how each line drawn by the artist was getting closer to realistic depiction of the subject right before their eyes. Soon my train arrived and the artist packed his bag. Hurriedly, he picked up some coins thrown at him (not a single coin was seen near the woman) and left. The crowd dispersed and I boarded the train thinking about how I could have taken better shots if I had little more time at hand. 

Once the train started and I was settled, a strange, twinging guilt engulfed me. I played those few seconds on the platform over and over in my mind and felt ashamed, miserable and shocked. What had I done? How could I just observe the scene like a silent spectator? I was deeply pained with the sight of that woman asleep on the platform but my attention was more on the sketch of the artist and simple people with great curiosity, gathered around him. What had I done for the woman despite knowing her plight? If I could take photographs, I could as well have given some money, food or arranged to get a doctor for her. How could I just stay aloof barely even acknowledging her existence! 

For the artist, his purpose was solved. He had followed his inspiration from precarious condition of that woman, a different facet of life and sketched beautifully. When he left after I took his photographs, the crowd dispersed too as there was nothing left to see. The old woman was alone with her cruel fate of isolation on the railway platform.  

Witnessing people around us in distress is a very painful experience. Sometimes we pretend not to notice. Sometimes, we are shocked, angry, upset with the helplessness we feel in such situations. How far is it right to stay objective and not intervene?  In India, one comes across many situations like this every day and it is not always possible to reach out and help each one in need. Sometimes, a situation demands that one stays detached which again is a huge challenge. After seeing such helpless people everywhere, there comes a point when one stops being stunned and we become passive bystanders and prefer not to intervene. Was I just a bystander? Within those few seconds when I stopped at the platform, took photographs and observed the sketch of the artist, didn't I become a stakeholder of the story? These uncomfortable questions have shaken me from within. 

I feel ashamed to admit that while a helpless woman was lying on the platform, all I did was click photographs! It was not intentional but I know it is not pardonable either. Maybe, after a while, this incident would be eventually forgotten and fall apart from my memory. But I know, on that day at Vadodara railway station, a little part of me died a subtle death. Sad!

A silent anguish

I returned home this morning and am feeling bit rung out of energy. My body is tired and uncooperative to my will. My mind is constantly reiterating on doing double time with me even while I am on verge of collapse any moment! It is a very peculiar feeling to be physically exhausted, emotionally drained and yet your mind wanting to work relentlessly. While my body and mind struggle to have a compatible, synchronized rhythm, there is a quiet riot in my heart.

It is strange how death makes us see facets of life that we tend to ignore unknowingly. It is almost two weeks since my father passed away. Prayers and condolences are starting to wither slowly. Grief is a long, painful process and every individual with uniquely different personality, experiences, expresses and copes with it so differently. I have noticed a strange, subtle change in relationships within my family during this period of mourning. Death makes us bare. It makes us see our own self and the people around us much clearly. 

After my father's sad demise, a few incidents have bruised me deeply questioning the very basis of relationships within family and outside it. Having gone through whole plethora of emotions that have surrounded me in past two weeks, a few emotions have seeped in through cracks in heart and soul, perhaps created unknowingly, have posed very compelling questions about whom should we consider as family really?

Yesterday evening, before I left for Bombay, I gathered care takers of my parental home and thanked the staff for their exemplary service; especially for last five years when it was most trying time for them due to my mother's health issues. Two of the staff members have worked for more than two decades and are part of the family. When I started discussing payments for their work, they were in tears saying most profound words that I have ever heard in my life. I must add, all of them are uneducated and yet every word they uttered came from bottom of their clean hearts and personal ethics!

On other hand, soon after my father's funeral, some close members of the extended family seemed more interested in knowing about his will. Some relatives made claims to my father's collection of rare books which he had so painstakingly created and some asked insensitive questions without slightest of consideration to the fact that we were mourning. I am amazed at people's capacity to be so shockingly cruel. In some people, it comes across as terminal illness that has become core of their DNA. How else can one explain someone making loud proclamations about being spiritual and having great value system in place, being so desperate to learn about my father's likely inheritance without iota of shame or guilt! Interestingly, despite being given several hints to stay away from intrusion the concerned people conveniently ignored the hints and went on as if it was their right!  

Not many honour life but when people fail to honour death and disregard decorum and sanctity that death naturally commands, something within snaps instantly with the realization that numbs you. When the very premise of a relationship is greed or any other concealed motive, it is dangerous to count on such relationship. Sad, we realize it too late sometimes!