Are Indian men rapists?

Since last couple of days, an article "India: the story you never wanted to hear" by Rose Chasm (http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-1023053) has gone viral on social networking sites. After reading that article, I was stunned, appalled and deeply shamed. What also shocked me was the response on social networking sites/media channels on this painful story that reflected not just deep anguish/concern/empathy for Rose and unfortunate victims like her but also a dangerous mind-set of labelling/pronouncing all Indian men as rapists/perverts. 

Another unfortunate event that coincidentally happened last week, a photo journalist was gang-raped in Mumbai and the sad incident shook the country. Media and social networking sites went berserk like usual and the tamasha of blame game still continues! 

Pain of rape or any form of abuse is very difficult to put in words and the damage it causes to the victim is difficult to comprehend. Being a woman, I can imagine the trauma Rose and many unfortunate victims like her have to suffer. Many Indian women have experienced some form of abuse in varied degrees that Rose narrates in her agonizing outburst. But to conclude that all Indian men are rapists or perverts would be like dismissing and deriding entire collective without blinking an eye and that, I find very unfair and unacceptable.

Yes, there are sick people who don't flinch while abusing others for sake of their pervert satisfaction. Any form of abuse occurs where there is mind-set of entitlement; entitlement to do whatever it takes to satisfy one's deviant needs. This sense of entitlement breeds not only in societies where the voice of patriarchy always sabotages voice of girl child on issues of equality and equal opportunities; or societies where a male child is treated as God's greatest gift to humanity. Crimes against women happen everywhere in world, even in most advanced, socially liberated societies. Women are raped even in countries where stringent laws are implemented well. And by saying this, I am not trying to trivialize the enormity of issue of crimes against women.  Rapists/abusers don't belong to any particular caste, creed, nationality, social/educational/financial strata of a society, they are born out of regressive environment, unhealthy mind-set of sex-in-your-face macho-ism, chest thumping aggression to proclaim ultimate male virility that revels in power tactics to abuse as a means of perverse pleasure.

I happen to know interesting range of people right from slums to people working at very senior positions in corporate sector. Like all women, I am aware how it feels when someone ogles, or tries to rape you with eyes. I know how violated a woman feels when a formal handshake during business meeting lasts longer than it should. I have experienced violation when someone posted audacious comments on my photograph on facebook, crossing line of decency. And in spite of these experiences I would not like to generalize men and call them "jerks". The men I know, observe, interact with and am surrounded by are educated, evolved and decent people with a gender-sensitive conscience; they are equally pained by gruesome and tragic incidents of crimes against women and are deeply disturbed to be portrayed as debauchers and brutes. I have met men; complete strangers, who have turned out to be very decent, protective, respectful, cultured (irrespective of the background) and have always been very kind and helpful to me.

What happened with Rose and so many victims like her is deeply disturbing. I am in favour of zero tolerance for crimes against women or for that matter anybody irrespective of gender. It is great to bring awareness of serious issues and spread the message by participating in constructive discussions but let us be careful about not ending up punishing those who are not guilty by passing our harsh judgments on them. Let's not punish the innocents please!

Help me !!!! I am broke!!!

I am at friend's place; patiently listening to arguments between her and her hubby in the room full of shopping bags from Tanishq, Zara, Da Milano, Wills, Mango, Charles and Keith, Catwalk and all possible brands in clothing/bags/fashion accessories/shoes, strewn all around. Stuff is popping out of the bags that seem to be lying there for days. She is sobbing and I am struggling hard to conceal my shock and anger.  

My friend has blown absolutely obscene amount in shopping during last few weeks, tempted by the 'sale' signs that offer, to put in her words, "once in a year opportunity to buy things at irresistible prices." In seems, this year, their plan for travelling abroad during Diwali, might be shelved. After confiding in me about the repercussions of my friend's mindless spending and arguing over how half of things bought are unnecessary, my friend's hubby tramples out of room, agitated and deeply saddened. I understand his anguish also has its root in falling rupee, volatile stock markets and rising costs causing overall gloom in his business. Unfortunately, my friend's face doesn't show iota of guilt or shame. She is more concerned about the possibility of holidays getting cancelled!    

I am sure we all are familiar with a situation like my friend's. We all love shopping, don't we? (unless of course, one has become an ascetic). There is a great kick in living life to the fullest by indulging in anything and everything that brings us happiness in some form. Whether we admit it or not, all of us have penchant for careless spending. We buy things not only because we need but also out of boredom and ennui. We spend money to cheer ourselves up, to fill that existential void to make up for things that are wrong in our life or missing. (I am not implying that those who shop necessarily suffer some lack in life). We buy stuff driven by motivation and wants to flaunt our "status" and broadcast that we have "arrived". We incessantly splurge to keep up with the rest of the world so that we don't look like losers and fulfil our ego. We blow money for many psychological and social reasons that have absolutely no connection with our real needs. 

We all have choices and ending up like my friend is result of making a wrong choice. Albeit, we are far too conceited sometimes to admit our mistake and carry on as if everything is "under control". We may have choices and even power in our hands but when it comes to execution, we often fail. Reasons? Because, its so easy to waste money that brings "feel good" factor to our otherwise mundane lives with harsh realities. We even label it with tempting names like 'retail therapy" and justify the indulgence by "earned it/ deserved it/got it" mind-set that offers great escape. 

You must be wondering what has got into me today! Shocked by what happened at my friend's house, I have gone into contemplation mode. I am seriously thinking about how much I have in storage/wardrobes/garage that has not been used for quite some time. I am thinking about what all I have purchased in last three months. I am not counting big, extravagent, purchases but the small, random expenses incurred that have not really added much value. To be honest, I know, the answer might shock me! 

It is difficult to make right choices in the times where culture of unnecessary indulgence is deliberately cultivated and nurtured by media and various companies selling their products. The key is in being conscious about our needs and wants. And the trick lies in understanding and respecting difference between the two.

  

I remember a quote I had read somewhere, "Buy what is only necessary, not what is convenient. What is unnecessary, even if it costs one cent, is expensive." 

  

Also a quote from a movie, Fight club "The things you own end up owning you." 

What happened at my friend's house is not only about money or lack of discipline in spending. It is much beyond it. It reflects how sometimes even the most intelligent of us end up giving in to temptations, fall prey to social pressure of being on "equal' position with the rest and end up having a life style that may not always be possible to have considering one's financial condition. It is a reflection of how we allow others (friends, relatives, advertisements, promotions by the companies..etc)to define what is "good" for us and are drowned by wanton consumption, failing to accept our limitations and end up creating a mess by spending our time, money and energy on things we don't really need! 

To hell with heaven!

It all started after I attended a charity event about two months back. I suddenly started receiving emails, text messages and phone calls from a spiritual group claiming to be experts in spiritual enlightenment, aura reading, healing and self-proclaimed crusaders of world peace, ensuring guaranteed entry to the golden gates of heaven!  

It took me a while to realize that my details were taken from the card I had left at the charity event. Initially, I ignored their mails, calls and text messages but the more I ignored, the more vehement and relentless their approach grew. Obviously upset with the development, I decided to make a formal complaint and wrote them not to invade my privacy and time. Within minutes, I received a call from a "spiritual guru" from the group. The conversation baffled me!

"You see madam, our aim is to build a tribe of awakened souls like you. If I may use the term, it is a movement and we need people with good, spiritual aura to make our mission successful. Mother Earth is experiencing immense turmoil and negativity hence we need to unite people like you from across the globe for deep energy cleansing."  

Shocked by the pitch and the direction it was going in, I intervened, "excuse me, when did you learn about my aura and soul being awakened when I myself am absolutely clueless about such things?"

"You don't remember our meeting? We met at charity event and were even formally introduced. I instantly knew we had some spiritual connection and you could do wonders for our group.

Our workshops are precisely about that. We introduce you to your own sacred soul and once that is attained, we help you see golden gates of heaven open for you." After listening that, I lost my patience but the "guru" went on with his blah for some time.

It took me a while to regain my balance after learning about myself in detail from a complete stranger who claimed to know so much about me! I must confess, the sales pitch was good but it did not take long to realize its sole purpose was absolutely commercial and had nothing to do with anything spiritual. The workshops and sweet talks were nothing but a sham. My tone changed from that of a polite listener to an angry warning and that is when the "spiritual guru" understood there was no point in further chase. "God bless you! Do visit us whenever you are prepared for the new beginning."

I am still recovering from the experience and am shocked to learn that even at charity events that are meant for a select few, fraudsters are at large! I must admit, I admire the persistence, patience and the sales pitch of the "spiritual guru" who could give the best sales person of the world run for his money.

I find it amusing that people are sold on ideas of heaven and hell. Like most of the Indians, since childhood, I was disciplined, moulded and indoctrinated with the philosophy of good/bad, heaven/hell. Fed up with its torture, by age of ten, I managed to break shackles and stopped believing in all that as it offered me much more solace than endlessly worrying about being fried in hot oil for committing small little sins of saying even harmless lies. The promise of magical heaven was not enough to lure me back to keep subscribing to the ideas of typical Maharastrian Brahmin upbringing forced down upon me. Luckily, I was loved far too much to be outcast for that blasphemy and managed to survive on my own terms. 

Subscribing to any ideology for the fear of eternal damnation or out of charm of fantasy of heaven in after life is beyond my comprehension. I don't believe in heaven or hell as separate worlds or in doing anything with the aim of gaining passport to heaven. For me, essence of heaven and hell is in this very moment and lived through our karma on this beautiful, fragile, blue planet Earth. Once that is sorted and I have taken conscious care of my own deeds, I don't need to worry about energy, aura, enlightenment or world peace. I don't think any agent of God is eligible to come between me and my Almighty.     

A creative and intellectual high!

Do you know that feeling when you come across something so beautiful, brilliantly creative and intelligent that it leaves an indelible mark on you, compels you to think about the issues that were deeply buried in your heart, search answers for the questions you always wanted to ask and does all that effortlessly without putting even slightest burden?

As I write this article, I am on a great high! Last week, I watched the movie, "Ship of Theseus". I can't call myself a movie buff exactly but I do love cinema as a medium of creative expression and enjoy good movies. The different genres of movies one gets to see these days is certainly reflection of the changing times and that makes me really happy and proud of the fact that Indian cinema is coming of age!

The movie took me back to one of my childhood memories. I remembered an incident that had put me in deep philosophical contemplation at very young age. My brother, a scholar in the house was reading us an article from a science magazine about how every seven years each cell in the human body is replaced by a completely new cell. My instant reaction after listening that fact was, "does it mean, we are born anew, if so, why don't we look/feel younger and if not, how do we remain the same in the new body?" Since there was no evident connection, even remote one between me and the studies, my question was ignored and laughed at. The movie "Ship of Theseus" starts with the question on precisely similar analogy; "If the king of Athens, were to restore his ship by replacing all its original parts, would it still be the same ship?" 

I am not a film critic nor do I understand the technical aspects/ creative nuances of art of film making but what fascinated and inspired me to write this article is compelling tales of three different protagonists woven beautifully together with one common factor, their need for organ replacement; eye, lever, kidney. The movie poses very artistic, moral, ethical, social, philosophical and life changing questions. There are a few insightful gems that grow over you even after you leave the cinema hall.

The protagonist of the first story, Alia has lost eyesight due to cornea infection but has attained stunning vision for brilliant photography despite it through her other senses. When her eye sight is regained, she suffers a creative dilemma after her painful encounter with realization that in the process she has lost the inspiration and vision of seeing things in her unique style. It is easy for any photographer to identify with her pain of not being able to "see" things. In her brilliant argument with a very supportive boyfriend, she narrates a story about a frog and a centipede that suggests her predicament. (“How do you manage to walk on a hundred legs without ever stumbling?”), the frog asks the centipede. The centipede, having never dwelled on such details of technique, now starts thinking about them – and promptly trips over himself.

The second tale is about a Jain monk, fighting a case of animal rights. When he is diagnosed with lever cirrhosis he undergoes moral and philosophical dilemma about taking medicines that might have been tested on animals to save his own life. There is an interesting quandary he faces over his own values and principles. Some of the best dialogues of the movie are between the Jain monk and a young, curious lawyer who thwarts monk's philosophy by posing some very interesting questions. The exchange is richly intellectual, philosophical and soulful despite the profound tone of the story. Being a believer in karma, I enjoyed the philosophy discussed in this tale immensely. 

Navin, a stock broker is the protagonist of the third story. He has undergone a kidney replacement and suspects it is done in unethical way. In his journey to find redemption he reaches out to a poor chawl dweller whose kidney is stolen. Navin's arguments with his activist grandmother are sheer delight and his interlude with the chawl dweller is an eye opener for social reality of how easily people are duped with lure of money that they don't mind parting with their own organs! 

There are some poignant moments in the movie that are difficult not to be inspired by. I have already started looking at the subjects of my photographs bit differently after watching this film! I am planning to watch the movie again in case I have missed out on seeing, listening, enjoying and understanding from the vast canvas of this brilliant movie! "Ship of Theseus" is certainly one of those movies that one would love to watch again and I am sure, like it happens in art, it would unfold new meaning. I can't wait to relish the experience once more!  

Remember that thing called, conversation?

Scene 1:

We are at a fine dining restaurant. A big family of about fifteen people walks in and settles at the huge table next to ours. It is apparent the family is celebrating birthday of the senior most patriarchal figure. His face is glowing, overwhelmed with the kind of love showered on him and being surrounded by people close to his heart. After the initial euphoria subsides, slowly each member is confined to private space of his/her smart phones. Their table becomes absolutely quiet. He tries to talk to his grand- daughter, barely eight who gets irritated for being interrupted in her telephonic conversation with her canine, Bruno. The old gentleman, feeling bit awkward with the change in the scene, struggling hard to shift his focus and hide his helplessness, takes out his cell phone and starts fiddling with it.

Scene 2  

At the breakfast table, I am trying to figure out everybody's schedule for the day. Hubby is checking news on his cell phone as usual without saying much.  My son is incessantly sending text messages in-between munching his breakfast, his facial expressions, absolutely in sync with what I am saying, nodding his head, looking at me giving me impression that he is hanging on to every word being said! I give him a glare and stop abruptly.  His fingers still busy dexterously typing out messages on his cell phone, "Yeah mom, I'm listening. Go on" Frustrated, I wonder if it was a major blunder to have spent those long hours teaching him to hold the pencil and write! Now, he has mastered the art of typing messages on cell phone with almost any activity going on simultaneously. 

Scene 3

A dear friend of mine sends me message on Whats app while he is attending a meeting. He claims to be involved and give inputs in the meeting whenever required and also wants to catch up with me during those "empty, wasted moments' that don’t help him do anything constructive. He feels he can easily switch between the chat and meeting smoothly! I quip him "God save your company", paste a smiley and leave the chat asking him to catch up later at mutually suitable time.

These scenes sound familiar? I am sure we all have been subjected to this. Knowingly or unknowingly we have even done similar things. We live in times when world is increasingly turning to texting, tweeting and chatting in virtual world 24/7. We can connect with any given soul under the Sun; talking without speaking, hearing without listening, communicating with hundreds of "friends". The lure of virtual world is in freedom to involve at our discretion. No questions asked. Talking and listening is not compulsory. A "like", a "poke" or a simple tweet of 140 characters is sufficient communication.

We are connected to hundreds of friends who are neither too close nor too far but just at right distance, so that we can control who gets what amount of our attention at what time. Our relationships whether personal or professional are generally chaotic and change with quicker pace with each interaction or lack of it. We are too busy to listen, to empathize, very basic ingredients for a good conversation.

The other day, my friend almost panicked and demanded to know why I keep my cell phone switched off and enjoy being alone, without staying "connected to the world". When I told her that my mind becomes “alive” when I switch off all the gadgets and it’s a really beautiful experience, it was very scary thought for her. We get so wrapped up in instant connections to the world that our gadgets bring that we tend to forget there IS life beyond it. A simple, beautiful, real world beneath it!    

Amid the crowd we are locked in our self-created cocoons, our closely guarded private worlds where we find people to laugh with, share things, confide in. We don’t realize the danger of virtual world; a world where all our needs can be met without feeling the need of a person in our physical world.  We barely recognise needs of the people, living under the same roof with us but know problems of our virtual friends who we are perhaps never going to meet!

There is absolutely no denying that virtual world has brought people together globally and it is a remarkable tool that can work wonders if used wisely and constructively. Unfortunately, it is permeating in to our real world influencing every part of our life including communication, the very essence of most important aspect of our life - relationships.

Like drug addicts, we check the gadgets to know what is happening at every possible moment. Invariably, we are boggled with the incessant happenings that add unnecessary pressure. I have seen people who are complete wreck without their cell phones and gadgets and behave as if life has no significance if one is not connected to the world.

It is worth trying out a liberating experience of completely switching off from all the gadgets once in a while and strike real conversations with real people in our life. It is more important to get a real hug, listen to what your child is saying or hubby needs than to post those pictures of perfect life on social networking sites and earn some admiration. That natural scene on our gadgets looks really cool but experiencing Nature first-hand in real life is awe inspiring, majestic and absolutely divine experience! There is no gadget no matter how smart that can substitute authentic experience of life.

Am I sounding cynical and old fashioned? You know what, to hell with it! lol.