A lingering urge

"Actor prepares" an installation by Shailesh Singh at Wassup Andheri festial

As I write this, I am little teary eyed! Life has been extremely hectic and tiring since past few weeks. There has been tremendous pressures due to increasing demands and expectations from my personal and professional life. I am happy to have  achieved some professional goals, very content in having been a great host to endless guests and nursing a few ailing family members and relatives. I wonder from where I received all that strength despite having dangerously low level of vitamin B12! 

Like an actor who is compelled to put various acts in short span of time, I have been donning various roles over and above my usual ones and am terribly exhausted. I yearn for some quiet now. Where does one put the longing and how does one build a place inside oneself to endure that ache? What does one do when frenetic cadence of life becomes too much to bear and only the sound of our own breaths echo through the void?

Do you know that feeling when one feels alone despite life and love oozing out all around? When my body and mind are too much to bear I need to go for walks; preferably amid Nature, gaze at sky on a starlit night or the last loaf of evening Sun. Nothing between me and the sky or Sun, only my alive languishing self, the way Sun sets slowly without a body everywhere. 

I wish to be gloriously lazy like a snail snugged in sandy dawn or that snail having a blast on the tree, full of blossom standing with lonely grandeur amidst the brocade of leaves! I am watching it from my room- a space of complete serenity that opens my world even further with each passing day.  I wish to hover close to a young blossom stretching its bark in a new spring erupting like longing, so small in the air that you must hover close to ascertain fragrance. While huge, tumbling clouds slide into the Sun on other side of the world on its very distinct path it looks random to me.

Isn't it amusing that when sometimes life reduces to emotional state management (and I am not talking about the observant pacifier Zen like thing) it helps to chase hedonistic pleasure. Emotions are the axioms of life and mine are always invariably inconsistent!

I think, Its time to head to the spa!

The dirty picture of sex, sleaze and scandals

Just when I somehow convince myself that I am past the stage of feeling shock from anything, some events invariably occur that manage to crush my belief. Past few months have been a non-stop circus by our "Great Indian Political Comedy Show" with its main theme being sex, sleaze and scandals! Do you want some entertainment? Well, join me in watching this tamasha. Don't worry, there is no entertainment tax on it.

In a shocking revelation, two Indian ministers were caught watching porn on their cell phones in parliament amid all the dignitaries! Last week, telecast of the movie "The dirty picture" was suspended by our Information and Broadcasting ministry, despite several cuts. In another shocking incident, Abhishek Manu Singhvi stepped down as chairman parliament committee and as congress spokesperson after a video depicting his sexual romp was circulated on social networking sites. Phew!

Mr. Singhvi claims the video is morphed. Hypothetically, if there is truth in this video, sex with consent of adult person is not a crime and neither is sleaze an unfamiliar territory for Indian politicians! If the video is ‘fabricated’ as he claims, I wish, he had dealt with it much firmly instead of cutting a sorry figure! I feel sad that a politician of Mr. Singhvi's stature should become a laughing stock. 

Since past couple of months, we are witnessing jaw dropping antics of the biggest drama queen from West Bengal, Mamata Banerjee. Didi, orchestrating violence on streets of Bengal with her arm twisting tactics does not seem to have any clue about either leadership or governance! I am completely knocked down by her audacious political stupidity every time she performs some new trick.

We are getting so used to the scandals that no news surprises us! 2G scam grabbed most of the eyeballs and TRPs last year and currently its land grabbing, coal mining, Tatra scam and Chopper scam. How can we forget the ruckus on Bofors last week in parliament? We have humongous appetite when it comes to sensations. Promises of change during election campaigns are as deceptive as vulgar fantasies. Nobody ever talks about them after the act of seduction is over. 

I don't see any political party having political will and caliber to run the country properly. No, I am not giving up yet but am honestly tired of holding on to hope. I am still saying "mera Bharat mahan, jai ho! But believe me, my voice is getting faint by the day.   

Will you be my friend on Facebook?

Recently, a dear friend from Facebook deleted two of her "friends" posing as someone they were not. She was visibly upset. About a month back, I received friend requests along with freaky messages like, "I love your pictures", "I am looking for a friendship/girlfriend with no strings attached" from complete strangers! Despite ignoring them, the messages were persistent. It is not uncommon for women to receive such friend requests and messages. Fortunately, it is easy to block such people but these disturbing experiences certainly convey how casual our connections on social networking sites are becoming! 


I am blessed to have met some very fine human beings on Facebook and it feels wonderful to connect with such gifted people and learn, share and laugh with them. Honestly, I am quite a snob when it comes to accepting friend requests on Facebook! I have my reasons for that. Every time I get a friend request, 9/10 times it is without a note or brief introduction of the sender. Imagine you are at some party and a complete stranger approaches you and says, "let us be friends" without giving any introduction of self. How would you feel? Little freaky, wouldn't you?


What do you do in cases when checking profile of the person who sent you the request is not much of help? Of course, one is not obliged to reply to such requests and I simply ignore them. Sometimes, when profile conveys basic information about the person, and if I find possibility of any connection, I ask them something like, "pardon me but I don't remember having met you or am not sure if I know you. Would you mind writing briefly about yourself please?" Interestingly, many people vanish at this juncture, some reply and in some cases, their replies give interesting glimpse of how people perceive "friendships" on Facebook. 


How much does it cost to show some basic courtesy? There is nothing wrong in sending friend requests but just like real life, little courtesy helps. It doesn't matter on which platform one meets people, makes friends and finds some common things that connect. World is full of wonderful people waiting to be our friends. All one needs to meet them is be careful, courteous and honest just like real world! And yes, social decorum pays even in virtual world of Facebook IF you are looking for value! 

Moment of epiphany

I was on the brink of losing my usual positive disposition and get into "life really sucks" mode.  Past few weeks have been quite a challenge considering the responsibilities that have tagged along with increasing work. It has been quite a while since I attended my usual weekend shoots or visited art exhibitions. When I stay away from my passions for little longer time, I experience range of emotions that leave me conflicted, discordant, distressed, unmoved and completely uninspired.   

Pursuit of creativity is my inherent need, a lingering urge and once it is met, something clicks in my cerebrum, turning all that dissonance into consonance, things align and  I feel present and rejuvenated physically, intellectually, and emotionally. Colours, forms, textures and perspectives give me great high. 

Going back to my almost getting into "life really sucks" mode; there I was, stressed and withdrawn, looking blankly outside my window one evening when something interesting happened. I saw a tiny bird, hopping from one branch to other singing its heart loud! 

Our garden has some interesting range of birds paying visit every day. This tiny bird has been competing with cuckoo in singing and I always admire its guts. Though it is not as loud but it makes sure that we get up with its first visit early morning and keeps giving us reminders of its presence throughout the day. Despite numerous attempts, I have not yet been able to capture  it in my camera. I have run frantically from one window of the room to other, to every part of the garden and under each tree in search of this bird several times but its swift movements always seem beyond my competence.

After putting immense efforts I have gracefully accepted my defeat from this bird and feel deeply humbled. Interestingly, during my chase I noticed something that I have been missing out - sheer abundance of forms, textures, colours and perspectives...all that I love! 

How come I didn't notice these amazing abstract designs and textures on the bark and trunk of the tree, burst of colours and forms on leaves and flowers? It is not that I have not been aware of this bounty but sadly have been buried in lot of things to notice so much beauty around. 

Moments that burst out of utter wonderment or creativity are difficult to describe. What we sometimes miss out are such simple moments that need not be trail blazing factors but like the quiet pulse beat, actually hold essential rhythm of life. And that tiny bird has given me this beautiful moment of epiphany. I find its songs much sweeter now. Hope I capture it on my camera. Till then, it would be known as angel of God that helped me lift my spirits.

Platinum trash

About a fortnight back, an article from New York Times, "why I am leaving Goldman Sachs" went viral on social networking sites creating quite a furor in the field of investment banking/asset management world over. When I read that article, I could relate to the anguish expressed by Mr. Greg Smith. I have never worked with Goldman Sachs or have done any business with the group but in my experience of more than a decade in the field of investments, I have sometimes paid price due to greedy and callous attitude of people and shockingly unprofessional/unethical work culture of portfolio/asset management companies.


A few months back, I got a call from my former relationship manager. He wanted to meet and discuss "better investment options" with me. The call was a surprise and instantly put myself on "alert" mode as I was already introduced to the new relationship manager assigned for my portfolio in a meeting and was informed that his predecessor (the person who called me) had left the organization.

There was no iota of guilt or shame in approach of former relationship manager and he went on bragging about how he planned to poach HNI clients and take their business to the new company he had joined.  I cringed at his complete disregard for the seriousness of the fact that he had breached trust and he still had access to sensitive information of a client's investments that he was technically not entitled to! I Panicked and immediately approached my portfolio management company. I was given assurance by the top brass that my money and information about my investment was in safe hands. 


Do I still trust this organization? I trust the organization for its accuracy of research on various investment instruments but when it comes to service and trusting the people working for it, the answer is not as simple as yes or no. The experience mentioned above is a rare occurrence. However, it does reflect on work ethics or the complete lack of it on personal, professional and organizational level. Fortunately, regulations covering investor protection are becoming imminent with time and there is much more transparency now. But there are many areas that still need to be looked into.     


There is tremendous competition and pressure created by the burgeoning investment markets but people working in this industry are not always experienced, knowledgeable or competent enough to meet demands of the job. Sadly, they are also not always trained for good communication hence they often fail to understand customer's profile and investment requirements. Can you imagine the frustration of wasting hours of time and energy for the product that is not suitable for your investment profile? But these "power point tigers"(my hubby nicknamed them long back) chase you, hound you and you wonder if all those checks of obscene amount of fees that you pay to create and manage wealth is really worth it!


As a customer, what would make me happy will not be invitations to events at five star deluxe hotel, expensive gifts on New Year or festivals or VIP treatment. I will be a content customer when my investment profile is understood and respected by my portfolio management company and the people assigned for my work. I respect them when they suggest various investment options based on substantial research and don't sell me products only for the higher incentives involved. As a customer; I expect my portfolio management team to be aware and updated about changes in policies/government rules that might have impact on my investments if any and educate me on the same. 


The fundamental problem I feel is with the attitude of people and culture of the companies involved with investment industry. There is difference in wealth creation and making "fast bucks". The business of wealth creation is about savvy asset allocation, prudent decisions and creating mutually beneficial relationship between a customer and portfolio management company. Sidelining customer's interest to achieve targets is a professional harakiri. 


As an investor, I refuse to be taken for granted or give in to any unprofessional methods. It is time portfolio management companies got real and recognized the fact that each customer is an important key to their success and not just a "platinum trash" that can be easily manipulated for the sake of their own advantage. If the customer does not find value in portfolio management service, there is no scope for them to grow. Period!